“Students at Adams Middle School have been feverishly speculating about the true circumstances surrounding seventh grade history teacher Mr. Benson’s unannounced second-semester leave of absence—now approaching one month—raising the mysterious disappearance well into the status of legend among the student body at large,” according to this article from, yes, The Onion (Teacher’s Leave Of Absence Shrouded In Legend). “I heard he was a pot addict, and he went mental, and they took him away to a mental institution,” said Gregory Oswald, 13, a student of Benson’s, adding that he remembered noticing a growing impatience in Mr. Benson in the weeks before Christmas break. “Someone told me that the first night he was there, they shocked his brain. Now he can’t remember anything about the Civil War.”